Telltale signs that your student is being Bullied

Being the recipient of bullying or showing aggressive behavior towards others is becoming an increasingly predominant experience among students. The cyber space has opened up a whole new avenue for bullying to take place and parents and educators need to be aware of the potential for online bullying. As parents and educators, you are instrumental in preventing bullying and helping students who are both the recipients and aggressors. There are many signs to alert you to students who are being bullied or who may be displaying aggressive behavior towards others.

Emotional and behavioral signs that your student is being bullied

You know your student better than anyone else and changes in behavior are more noticeable to you. Even if you have always enjoyed a close relationship with your student, they may not feel comfortable telling you when they are being bullied. This may be due to fear of reprisals or that you will take action which will embarrass them further. Signs that your student is being bullied include:

• Fear of going to school or engaging in after school activities
• Low self-esteem and negative comments about themselves
• Displaying anxiety or fear
• Isolating themselves from their group of friends or peers
• Sudden unexplained illnesses that are recurring like headaches or stomach aches
• Losing money, lunch and other items
• Irritability and unhappiness or depression
• Disturbed sleep patterns

If your child is the aggressor, there are some signs that they may be bullying other students which include:

• Student may have trouble resisting peer pressure
• They are bossy and manipulative
• They lack empathy
• They are quick to anger and resort to aggression to solve problems rather than reason and discussion
• They have money or things that you didn’t buy them
• They are secretive and uncommunicative

Of course the behaviors above can be attributed to other phases or challenges that all teenagers have to go through, but it’s best to act if you suspect that there is a problem. Speak to your student about their behavior in a loving and caring way. You can also consult with your student’s teacher and friends to get a better idea of what’s going on during school hours.

Most schools have strict bullying regulations and can help you to deal with bullying in a way that is constructive for both the aggressor and the victim. Be sure to include your student in any discussions about what action is to be taken when dealing with situations that directly affect them.

Even if your child isn’t a victim of bullying, speaking with them about it will help them to recognize the signs and not support the practice of bullying and assist students who are in difficult situations to come forward and get help.

Is your Student Addicted to Gaming?

When you look at the kinds of trouble teens can get themselves into, gaming may not seem like a bad idea. Your children are safe and sound at home and they are quiet and occupied in their rooms. But don’t be fooled: too much gaming can affect almost every aspect of your child’s life from academic performance to social development and health.

Consequences of gaming addictions

The sedentary lifestyle encouraged by gaming can lead to childhood obesity and all its related problems. From the BBC: “Up to 90% of school leavers in major Asian cities are suffering from myopia – short-sightedness – a study suggests.

Researchers say the “extraordinary rise” in the problem is being caused by students working very hard in school and missing out on outdoor light.”

Coordination and muscle development can be stilted in students who choose to game rather than play sports or get active.

Disrupted sleep patterns mean your child is more susceptible to illnesses and has trouble paying attention.

Social development is negatively affected when online interaction is the only way your student socializes.

Is your child addicted?

Just because your child plays a lot of games doesn’t necessarily mean that she is addicted to gaming. The Center of Online Addiction outlines several warning signs to look out for:

• Playing for hours every day
• Thinking and talking about gaming even when engaging in other activities
• Lying to conceal the amount of time they spend playing games
• Feeling irritable or angry when they are not able to play games
• Playing online games to avoid dealing with real life, with problems, anxiety or depression

What to do about gaming addictions

The first step is to ascertain whether your child is just fond of gaming or whether they have an addiction. Most kids love to play games and will do so whenever they get the opportunity. It’s ok if they play games from time to time, but gaming should not take over their regular activities, hobbies and sports or socializing.

If you suspect that your student is addicted, start keeping records of how much time they spend gaming, the issues they are avoiding by gaming and the problems their habit causes.

If you are not able to curb your student’s gaming by setting limits or encouraging a wider range of activities, it may be time to seek professional help.  Treating gaming addiction is similar to treating any other kind of addiction; it takes time, patience and perseverance.

The trouble with gaming is that it’s impossible to avoid using computers. Gamers who are addicted must learn to use computers without being tempted to play games. A professional can help your student to deal with any social or emotional issues which encouraged them to seek shelter in a game in the first place.

You also need to replace the excitement, interaction and social world that the gamer experiences online with similar ‘real life’ experiences that are positive. Perhaps the thrill of online gaming can be substituted with sports, or hobbies that are new and exciting. Replacing the gaming time with other rewarding activities will help your student to move back into the real world.

Social Networks and Teens: A Parent's Guide

Social networks like Facebook have become so much a part of our culture that our teens may find it hard to believe that there was a time before the internet. As in all spheres of social life, there’s are dangers inherent in participating in social networking. Here is a guide to ensuring that your students stay safe on social networks.

Privacy and Trust

Don’t be offended if your teen rejects your friend request. Reading their social network sites is just like listening in on their phone conversations, reading their texts or peeking in their diaries. While students are entitled to a modicum of privacy and trust, you still have a responsibility to protect them. The internet provides a certain anonymity that means that people posing as their friends will have access to all their personal information.

Social networking sites are inevitable and crucial for the modern teen to effectively communicate with their friends. Sharing photos and videos inspires creativity and written communications improve their writing skills. Since your teen is going to be participating, it’s best to outline rules and guidelines to help them to safely navigate social networking sites.

Rules and Guidelines

Talk about which sites your students can belong to and set up your own account so you can familiarize yourself with the way in which the site works. Help your  student to set up the site (make sure that they are old enough to comply with the site’s age restrictions) and show them how the privacy settings work. Explain carefully to them why the privacy settings are important and regularly check that they have not been changed.

Make it a rule that your student doesn’t friend anyone that they haven’t already met in person and don’t know. You can even get younger students to check with you before they accept a friend request. Ensure that photos posted to ensure that they are appropriate and don’t reveal any information that could tell someone which school they attend or where they live.

Regularly Google your students to see what pictures and information are out there. Sometimes their friends may post personal information or pictures that you may not want online. Be vigilant and ask your student to show you what they have been up to online.

It is your responsibility to monitor the sites your students use and the information that they post. Set up guidelines and rules for internet use and be sure to discuss the consequences of posting inappropriate information or pictures. Discuss cyber bullying and how they should react if they receive any messages or posts that are offensive or hurtful. Ask the school for their policy on social bullying and discuss this with your student too.

Helping Teens to Resist Peer Pressure

Peer pressure is tough for teens to deal with. While you can’t spare them from exposure to peer pressure, you can provide them with the skills to deal with it. Learning to deal with peer pressure will be an invaluable life skill for your teens to learn.

Why teens are less responsible

If you are frustrated that your teen doesn’t seem to think of the consequences of their actions, then you are not alone. Teens act in the heat of the moment for a very good reason; their prefrontal cortex has not completely developed. The prefrontal cortex is what we use to make responsible decisions and react in acceptable ways to peer pressure. From the US Department of health: “This brain region [prefrontal cortex] is responsible for cognitive analysis and abstract thought, and the moderation of “correct” behavior in social situations. The prefrontal cortex takes in information from all of the senses and orchestrates thoughts and actions to achieve specific goals. The prefrontal cortex is one of the last regions of the brain to reach maturation. This delay may help to explain why some adolescents act the way they do.”

While this medical fact does explain why teens take longer to be responsible, it doesn’t mean that they are incapable of thinking through their actions or considering the consequences. These are learned responses, so persevere in your attempts to instill a sense of responsibility and help your teens to consider the consequences of their actions for themselves and the people around them.

5-step method

Start by helping your teen to identify their physical and natural reactions or ‘gut’ feelings. When they feel anxious or uncomfortable about a suggestion that a friend or classmate proposes, they should take a minute to think before acting. Learning to identify these triggers will help them to institute their 5-step program. Giving your teens tangible steps to avoiding trouble in the future is far more likely to have a positive outcome.

1. Count to 10: When a friend or classmate suggests something that your teen is not comfortable with, they should not answer right away but should take a minute to think about the idea before agreeing.
2. Consider consequences: Teach your teen to ask themselves questions like: What could go wrong? Will this hurt anyone? How will this affect me and my loved ones?
3. Suggest an alternative: Easier than refusing, suggesting a reasonable alternative will make it easier to switch the focus and move on to a less damaging activity.
4. Say no: This is tough, but if all else fails, help your student to find the words they need to say no. Role-play different scenarios with them so that they are ready when these situations present themselves. When they do mess up, be understanding and discuss ways in which they could have extricated themselves from the situation without losing face. Remind them that standing up for themselves is far more likely to earn respect.
5. Be the bad guy: Have a code word that your teen can text to you that tells you to call them. That way they can take a call from you and ask advice about situations that they are feeling uncomfortable about. You can also have a code word that lets you know they need help. You can pick them up and be the ‘bad guy’ while they save face with friends and avoid dangerous situations.

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Help your Student to Fit In at School

Of course you want your student to be an individual who is not a slave to peer pressure, but a sense of belonging is essential to the health and wellbeing of every student. If your student feels like they don’t fit in, there are ways in which you can encourage greater social interaction so that they feel part of a group and enjoy a happy social life. Students who do have a healthy social circle will do better academically.

A sense of self-worth

Foster a sense of self-identity in your student by providing positive reinforcement. Focus on their strengths and encourage them to find an identity through what they wear and what they think. Teach them that being generous and kind to everyone, regardless of the clique or group they come from, is the best way to make friends.

Active listening

As students mature, they may be going through difficult social situations or bullying without telling you because they fear your involvement. Often students don’t want advice or are afraid that you will take action that will embarrass them. Instead, practice active listening — listen to your students without offering advice or criticizing. Instead, try phrases like: “It sounds like you had a really bad day…”, “I’m so sorry that that happened to you…” or “I hear what you are saying…” Active listening is a great way to get your student to communicate; you can monitor the situation to see if they are experiencing any bullying or if they are managing on their own. Establishing communications can be really tricky with older students, so persevere. If your students ask for advice, be constructive rather than critical. Active listening is really challenging for parents as they want to make things better. Instead you have to separate your needs from what your student needs. Establishing a connection is more important so that your student will turn to you when they are in real trouble or in need of help. Resist the urge to solve problems or dispense advice in favor of creating connections.

Check in with teachers

If you notice a change in your student’s behavior or circle of friends, check in with their teachers to see if they are doing ok. Teachers and councilors can help you get an insight into events at school and how best to deal with them. Periods of not fitting in socially are completely normal. Perhaps your student has changed grades or schools or maybe they have had a falling out with their clique. Learning to deal with these changes and learning to fit in are all part of growing up. It’s difficult for parents because they often have insights they want to share or solutions to their student’s problems and they have a natural desire to want to help their children. It’s important to maintain a connection with your students, so often you will have to listen to them and resist the urge to get involved. That way, when they really need help, they know they can come to you and are more likely to do so.